The Old Gray Mare

It was two years ago last January that I embarked on one of the scariest personal journeys of my life. I decided to go gray.

Actually I had been wanting to do it for the previous five years. My husband said go for it over and over again! My color stylist (of course, since I was spending $200 a month with her) didn't want me to "You are way to young for that!", ok so that flattery worked for awhile. My youngest daughter (now 25) told me I would hate it. I guess I believed her. I do have a tendency to jump into things and go "What the heck was I thinking?"

Yet the thought kept haunting me. Years ago, I met this stunning woman with white hair, big blue eyes and four little kids. I thought she was so classy. Marla. In L.A., everyone was fighting the whole aging thing and yet, here she was, way way before her age would warrant it, allowing herself the grace of her real color. On and off through the years since, every time I would see her, I would think "How come she gets to do that?" "Well, she has blue eyes, so she can get away with it" I told myself.

Then there were the silver-tressed models that started cropping up in the fashion magazines and again, I was intrigued. They looked so sure of themselves and so elegant. So real. And I even noticed those with brown eyes like mine! Hmmm, maybe this is more of a possibility than I thought!

Yet it was one movie that sent me over the edge. "Away From Her" with Julie Christie. I have admired her ever since her lovely portrayal of Lara in Dr. Zhivago. If I had to age, my desire was to age with her kind of grace. And in this new movie, she has long silver, grey and white hair... and she still is lovely, complete with wrinkles. I thought "That's it! I am going to do it!"

Backing up a minute, though, I must say that the six months before this moment I had been losing weight and had shed 32 lbs and feeling pretty sassy. This was a key ingredient, I believe, in my having the courage to take this plunge. I took my husband to lunch and let him know what I wanted to do. He was great about it. "The only thing is, babe, I have to start off by cutting my dark colored hair very short. I am not going through months of the skunk." He loves my longer hair but in light of my goal, he was on board.

The first stage was to chop it off to a bob. That was weird. I hadn't had my hair that short since my third baby was born! 30 years ago!! Just getting used to that was strange. But my gray came quickly. That was why I spent so much on coloring it before...it had to be done every two weeks as the hair grew so quickly that I looked like I had white bald spots all over the top of my head. So here they came again. I had my colorist put some blonde streaks in.

Ughhhh, that was awful. And she kept cutting off more of the color as the ugliness was growing out. At one point I felt like I had the head of many colors. The transition felt like it was taking forever. I couldn't wait to get this over with.

Soooooo....

On May 20, 2008, I went into my stylist, Melissa, and said "Cut it off! Give me a Jamie Lee Curtis right now!" She couldn't believe I meant it, even though I had been talking it over with her on other appointments. She said "OK, close your eyes and keep 'em closed until I am done!" So I did. And I could hear the ooohs and ahhs from the other ladies and stylists that couldn't believe I was doing this. And I could feel the air on my scalp! And the tear of the shears. Yikes! I thought! What am I doing?!!!

Melissa said "OK, open your eyes!" I audibly gasped! My hair hasn't been this short since I had hair! What I couldn't believe was how white the sides were... amazing. I had been coloring my hair for 20 years not knowing what was really under there, so this was definitely the chef surprise! But strangely I loved how free I felt and it was so shocking! I started laughing and couldn't wait to go home to show my husband, Rick. As I walked down the hallway to our bedroom after I got home, I could see just the edge of his face as he sat on our bed. His eyes went wider than I'd ever seen them before and he began laughing his head off and rolling on the bed!!! Literally!!! He could not believe I really did it! I think on some level he really admired me for doing it... Because if anyone knows how I feel about my hair, it is the man who has heard me complain and angst about it for the last 38 years! I told him "Hey, babe, we match now! We both have silver hair!" And for quite awhile my hair was actually shorter than his!!!! Too bizarre!

Well, if you have seen Jamie Lee's hair, you know that it is in a billion layers. So now was the growing out process. I think a lot of my friends thought I would leave it short. Um, no. While it is nice to know I have the option to have it short if I wanted it to, I need long hair, period. I have to have enough to put it up when I want to. It's my thing, what can I say? So this part was truly a two year process with a plethora of hairstyles along the way.

And I knew the progress by the utensils I was using. At first, blowing my hair dry was a super cinch and I just used my fingers. Then I graduated to a very small round brush to tame the crazy wild hairs. I remember when I was able to use a curling iron for the first time! Yay! I am getting somewhere! The best day, though, was the first time I was able to use my large round brush! Look how soft and smooth my hair looks! I thought. I was finally coming back to the old me. The one with hair. But wait a minute... was it really the old me?

Old me. Yes, that's what skipped across my brain every once in awhile. Operative word old. Did I do the right thing? I remember how old my face was beginning to look with the darker color. The lighter color seems to have softened the lines. And at 56, my silver-gray hair actually makes my face look younger. Weird, huh? And yet there have been a few things that have changed in my life since I went gray.

Right after I cut it the shortest, I remember going to a wedding and being able to be incognito for the longest time, standing in the back just waiting for people to walk by, smile at me, do a double take and recognize me! It was hysterical! I felt like I got to be someone else for awhile. Who? I couldn't tell you, but it was fun. That has happened a lot!

The reaction from friends and acquaintances has been interesting; as if my doing this says they have to do it as well; that because I say I am doing this to feel more authentic means I think they are a bunch of shallow fakes. That is not true. I was just ready to do this for me. I colored my hair for 20 years and I did it because it made me feel better and when it stopped doing that, I made another choice.

Another reaction that was strange that I noticed was the attention at the grocery store...from all the old guys!!! Ha! When I was younger, I was kinda cute and I got some attention, but that had not been the case for quite awhile. Suddenly I was the gray-haired chick with the young face! Seriously, the "seasoned" guys were coming out of the woodwork! I wasn't sure if I liked it or if it just finally meant I was now officially an old lady. Can you say "Cocoon"?

So there was some paradoxical feelings inside of me. On the one hand I felt SOOOO liberated from the trappings of the color worries (i.e. are my roots showing? Gotta cut those bangs so I can have a little more time before I have to color. What the heck color is that? I thought it was brown, why do I look like Lucy? Why can't somebody give me Ally McBeal haircolor?) It felt good having enough confidence to let go of the whole process.

On the other hand, embracing the gray is also honestly embracing my age and where I am in life. I am 56, mother of five grown children and grandmother to four. And I could be all of that with brown hair too. It just would be trying to prove something that wasn't true anymore. I felt like my color was helping me hide. I hid behind bangs (which I no longer have because I don't have to worry about white roots) and I hid behind longer dark hair. So the combination of being thinner and totally exposed with my white hair was really really scary in a lot of ways.

I gained the weight back. Slowly, but I did. I don't like it but I am more interested in what I am so scared of that I have felt the need to go back into hiding on some level. I even feel sometimes when I see some lady with pretty brown hair, "Maybe I should just go back" but then I remember the process and, knowing myself, snap my thoughts back to reality. There is no going back.

Seeing gray hair on my daughters' heads is sobering as well. Where exactly do I fit anymore? As I go see my dad in the extended care facility needing a hip replacement, I come away feeling young and powerful. Yet tromping up the hill of the Santa Barbara Bowl Saturday night to see the Steve Miller Band, I feel like that "Old Gray Mare" ready for the glue factory! Is it all over for me? I am not young, I am not old... and I have this gray hair. Now what?

Ahhhh, the big "now what"! I am happy in so many ways and still confused as to where I fit. I wonder at my being suprised about that. I have always walked to my own beat and didn't "fit" into the mold of those around me. Yet maybe there are more like me. I saw quite a bit of silvery sassiness at the concert Saturday night. Hey, we can still rock it with the best of them, that's for sure!!!

And speaking of rocking out, my greatest silver-haired heroine is Emmy Lou Harris. Yes, she has class, sass and is truly herself. Maybe that's what has been scaring me, really coming out of the "shoulds" and being the real me, whatever that ends up being!

This old gray mare ... she ain't what she used to be... and thank goodness for that!!